i am a depressed hermit.

It's so hard to be able to be positive about anything when you have a chronic illness that affects you every single day.

Even things that are supposed to be happy in my life are tarnished by this damn disease.

I can't handle it anymore.

I'm breaking down. It's so god damn hard.

I pretty much go into everything in my life with a slightly negative attitude because that's just what I have to deal with. I could at any minute feel like instant shit; and I spend my life worrying whether or not that is going to happen.

I so depressed I don't even want to leave my house anymore.



I hate people that are all doom and gloom and **feel sorry for me** but I'm posting this so hopefully...you will be able to see the improvement after I have my surgery...I can't wait...I really...really..can't.

Every day is a bad day.

I remember when I used to go to an appointment with my GI, and though I wasn't feeling 100% great all the time, when he asked how I was doing I would respond

"There are good days, and there are bad days."

Now, there are ONLY bad days.

I feel worse than terrible for at least 3 hours of EVERY DAY.

Just take a second and imagine that.

I don't know how I'm going to be able to last for another month. I really, really don't.

If you had told me before all this happened, that this would be my life for 4 years, I wouldn't have believed you for a second. I honestly don't know how I've done it this long...probably because I had no other choice.

It's hard guys...it really is. For those of you who have no insight into this disease, it's unexplainable. I have had to adjust literally EVER SINGLE ASPECT of my life for this disease. I have to plan everything. I have to think about it constantly. There are so many things I can't do because of it.

Walk the canal?---NOPE.
Mushroom hunting?--NOPE.
Camping?--NOPE.
Car ride that lasts more than 1 hour (and sometimes even that's too long)--NOPE.
Traveling of any sort, really...---NOPE.
Spending the night away from home?--Not unless it's someone who already understands everything I'm going through...3 hours in the bathroom every morning is kind of hard to explain...
Eating?--Better not try more than 1.5 meals a day unless you want to die tomorrow!!!
Playing with my nephew?--not unless it's video games, girl.

The list goes on and on.

And the worst part is, people don't understand. I look like a loser that just wants to sit at home and not do anything. I have to cancel plans frequently when I'm having an exceptionally bad day, and I look like a jerk that just doesn't want to hang out with my friends. Or god forbid I have to cancel something more important than that, like a photoshoot, or call into work....

Everywhere I go the first thing I must know is where the bathroom is at. If there isn't one, I better get the fuck out of there quick, because you can be damn sure that I'm going to need to use it, ESPECIALLY if it isn't there.


I'm just so tired.

I'm tired of feeling awful constantly. My pain is excruciating for at least three hours every morning (so yeah..guess when I need to wake up if I need to be somewhere at oooh...8am? yeah...it blows) but it never really goes away either. Even when I'm not locked in the bathroom, I'm not well. I'm so very, very, ill, all the time. One of my instructors said it best when he told me

"...you have seemed a little wilted lately..."

That's exactly what I am. I'm wilted...I have bags under my eyes that I can't cover up. If you were to touch me, all you would feel is bones. I'm sleepy. I'm sad.
But you know what?
I'm a fucking fighter.

It may sound bad, but this disease has made me lose a lot of sympathy for other people, it really has. It really is true; Whatever you happen to be going through in life IT COULD BE WORSE. I know this is true for myself, even with all the pain and suffering I'm going through. It could be fucking worse...Don't get me wrong, there are still days where I feel extremely sorry for myself. Today is one of them.

I think I'm entitled to one every now and again...

6-21-2010

That's the day that my life is going to change forever.

I met with a surgeon this past Tuesday, and he's going to perform my surgery for me! I went into the appointment completely skeptical, and assuming he was going to be like the last surgeon that I met with, and my GI, and tell me that I shouldn't want to have this surgery done, and that he wasn't going to do it for me, but that wasn't what happened at all!

We went through an abbreviated history of my disease, and all the medications I've tried and such, and how I've been feeling lately and everything that I've been going through. He listened very carefully, making notes as I told my story, and when I finished, he basically said that what I'm going through is terrible. It was such a relief to hear that, as strange as that sounds. I think too many doctors become desensitized to their patients problems. I honestly expected a response like those I get from my GI so often; "Well my patient so-and-so has it worse because they had to deal with such problem and such and such problem...You should be glad you don't have to deal with that..." etc. But that's now how this surgeon was at all. He was so incredibly sympathetic. He said that he can tell my quality of life isn't high, and that he knows that I'm living okay now, because I don't have any other choice, but that he could tell from what I told him that my life is rough, and no one should have to live the way that I do every day.

Him saying that, and agreeing that I can't keep living the way I am right now, was the biggest relief of my life. I honestly almost cried.

I assume most people that read this blog as of right now are fellow UC sufferers, which is great. But to any of you out there that do not have UC or crohn's or anything like it, it really is indescribably terrible, and almost impossible to describe to someone who doesn't have to go through it. I'm thinking about posting this blog onto my facebook once the time of my surgery approaches. That way, those close to me, or those wondering why I'm not around school, and permanently attached to Liesl's side anymore can read up and see how I'm doing. I guess I'm just apprehensive since my disease and this surgery process are going to be very...personal? I don't know if that is the word that I'm looking for. My disease is just gross, okay? I realize this. It's been around for four years, how could I not realize it?? But it's important for me to share my story with others. I know for me, the blogs of others with my condition have been so helpful in trying to deal with my condition. Beyond that, I know some people that know me are curious about my condition..if I share my blog, maybe they can understand it more? :sigh: I don't know. I'm going to do it either way.

So...if you're reading this, and you don't want to feel awkward, or have the possibility of being grossed out, read no further. This disease is gross, it's terrible, and it's been doing it's best to ruin my life for the past four years. I'm putting a stop to that right now. This is my story about it. If you're interested, that's fantastic, if not, go away.

this is the worst medication ever invented.

I don't understand why anyone would look at the side-effects of steroids and think that it's an okay thing for people to put into their bodies.

So far I'm experiencing every terrible side effect that I always get when on this damn medication, and not ONE glimpse of the help it's supposed to give me in making my disease less terrible. I'm biting everyone's heads off, I don't want to talk to anyone, go anywhere, say anything, eat anything (which I realize is unusual since steroids normally make your appetite ridiculous)...I can't sleep for shit...and the little amount of sleep I do get is constantly interrupted by my ceaseless thirst and then inevitable need to piss; ALOT. I'm depressed, to say the least. I'm just waiting for my face to balloon up so I can crawl even further into my whole of isolation and hatred for fucking everything.