I remember when I used to go to an appointment with my GI, and though I wasn't feeling 100% great all the time, when he asked how I was doing I would respond
"There are good days, and there are bad days."
Now, there are ONLY bad days.
I feel worse than terrible for at least 3 hours of EVERY DAY.
Just take a second and imagine that.
I don't know how I'm going to be able to last for another month. I really, really don't.
If you had told me before all this happened, that this would be my life for 4 years, I wouldn't have believed you for a second. I honestly don't know how I've done it this long...probably because I had no other choice.
It's hard guys...it really is. For those of you who have no insight into this disease, it's unexplainable. I have had to adjust literally EVER SINGLE ASPECT of my life for this disease. I have to plan everything. I have to think about it constantly. There are so many things I can't do because of it.
Walk the canal?---NOPE.
Mushroom hunting?--NOPE.
Camping?--NOPE.
Car ride that lasts more than 1 hour (and sometimes even that's too long)--NOPE.
Traveling of any sort, really...---NOPE.
Spending the night away from home?--Not unless it's someone who already understands everything I'm going through...3 hours in the bathroom every morning is kind of hard to explain...
Eating?--Better not try more than 1.5 meals a day unless you want to die tomorrow!!!
Playing with my nephew?--not unless it's video games, girl.
The list goes on and on.
And the worst part is, people don't understand. I look like a loser that just wants to sit at home and not do anything. I have to cancel plans frequently when I'm having an exceptionally bad day, and I look like a jerk that just doesn't want to hang out with my friends. Or god forbid I have to cancel something more important than that, like a photoshoot, or call into work....
Everywhere I go the first thing I must know is where the bathroom is at. If there isn't one, I better get the fuck out of there quick, because you can be damn sure that I'm going to need to use it, ESPECIALLY if it isn't there.
I'm just so tired.
I'm tired of feeling awful constantly. My pain is excruciating for at least three hours every morning (so yeah..guess when I need to wake up if I need to be somewhere at oooh...8am? yeah...it blows) but it never really goes away either. Even when I'm not locked in the bathroom, I'm not well. I'm so very, very, ill, all the time. One of my instructors said it best when he told me
"...you have seemed a little wilted lately..."
That's exactly what I am. I'm wilted...I have bags under my eyes that I can't cover up. If you were to touch me, all you would feel is bones. I'm sleepy. I'm sad.
But you know what?
I'm a fucking fighter.
It may sound bad, but this disease has made me lose a lot of sympathy for other people, it really has. It really is true; Whatever you happen to be going through in life IT COULD BE WORSE. I know this is true for myself, even with all the pain and suffering I'm going through. It could be fucking worse...Don't get me wrong, there are still days where I feel extremely sorry for myself. Today is one of them.
I think I'm entitled to one every now and again...
"There are good days, and there are bad days."
Now, there are ONLY bad days.
I feel worse than terrible for at least 3 hours of EVERY DAY.
Just take a second and imagine that.
I don't know how I'm going to be able to last for another month. I really, really don't.
If you had told me before all this happened, that this would be my life for 4 years, I wouldn't have believed you for a second. I honestly don't know how I've done it this long...probably because I had no other choice.
It's hard guys...it really is. For those of you who have no insight into this disease, it's unexplainable. I have had to adjust literally EVER SINGLE ASPECT of my life for this disease. I have to plan everything. I have to think about it constantly. There are so many things I can't do because of it.
Walk the canal?---NOPE.
Mushroom hunting?--NOPE.
Camping?--NOPE.
Car ride that lasts more than 1 hour (and sometimes even that's too long)--NOPE.
Traveling of any sort, really...---NOPE.
Spending the night away from home?--Not unless it's someone who already understands everything I'm going through...3 hours in the bathroom every morning is kind of hard to explain...
Eating?--Better not try more than 1.5 meals a day unless you want to die tomorrow!!!
Playing with my nephew?--not unless it's video games, girl.
The list goes on and on.
And the worst part is, people don't understand. I look like a loser that just wants to sit at home and not do anything. I have to cancel plans frequently when I'm having an exceptionally bad day, and I look like a jerk that just doesn't want to hang out with my friends. Or god forbid I have to cancel something more important than that, like a photoshoot, or call into work....
Everywhere I go the first thing I must know is where the bathroom is at. If there isn't one, I better get the fuck out of there quick, because you can be damn sure that I'm going to need to use it, ESPECIALLY if it isn't there.
I'm just so tired.
I'm tired of feeling awful constantly. My pain is excruciating for at least three hours every morning (so yeah..guess when I need to wake up if I need to be somewhere at oooh...8am? yeah...it blows) but it never really goes away either. Even when I'm not locked in the bathroom, I'm not well. I'm so very, very, ill, all the time. One of my instructors said it best when he told me
"...you have seemed a little wilted lately..."
That's exactly what I am. I'm wilted...I have bags under my eyes that I can't cover up. If you were to touch me, all you would feel is bones. I'm sleepy. I'm sad.
But you know what?
I'm a fucking fighter.
It may sound bad, but this disease has made me lose a lot of sympathy for other people, it really has. It really is true; Whatever you happen to be going through in life IT COULD BE WORSE. I know this is true for myself, even with all the pain and suffering I'm going through. It could be fucking worse...Don't get me wrong, there are still days where I feel extremely sorry for myself. Today is one of them.
I think I'm entitled to one every now and again...
Have you tries Ayurvedic Supplements Reme-Kolon & Reme-Helkos?
ReplyDeleteFor a free sample send an email to freesamples@lists.j-amadausa.com
You have inspired me in so many ways to get help and find out whats wrong with me, I have been advised to get a colonoscopy done and have yet gone Ibs ulcerative colitis crohns diesease? Not sure untill I go however Im pregnant now and my digestive system is still not all together and you would think it would be better seeing as being pregnant slows your digestive system down and your more likely to be constipated I only wish that I didnt wait now I have no choice.
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